all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
