I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
