We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
