so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
