lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
