My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
there is glitter all over my balls
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
