So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
