He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
