Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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