Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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