what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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