Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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