My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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