so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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