my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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