Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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