either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
