im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
