I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
