Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
