Your dad touched me again.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
