Kiss
Puke
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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