Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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