i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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