end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
