Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
