i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
