I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
