Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
