Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
