i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Randomize
