gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
