he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
