just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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