It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
