i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
