I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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