I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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