i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
