I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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