I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
