remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
