do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
