Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
