Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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