dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
