I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
