I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
