I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
