In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
