Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
