If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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